opportunity cost
by AndAwayWeGo
Summary: "A future with Quinn isn't something you ever considered wanting. But she might die and you don't think you've ever been so heartbroken and you think, if you let yourself, you can see it." Faberry. Post-OMW.


**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**A/N: **Sorry about other updates not happening. I'm currently navigating college, living in a big city for the first time, and the treacherous waters of an LDR.

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**Opportunity cost: **the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen.

_._

…

_opportunity cost_

…

.

Your future with Finn is something you've kind of always seen coming. For a while, you hoped it would happen the way it has—maybe not the young engagement, but the eagerness for him to marry you, the unrelenting conviction in his eyes, yes.

Absolutely.

So, some things change in your view of your future.

You can see marrying him in the summer—because marrying in a hurry caused so many problems. You see him grinning at you when you walk down the aisle and saying, "I do," when the preacher asks him to (there's a preacher this time because you're not rushing anymore).

You see looking out at the crowd of friends and family before you say your vows. And then saying them, firmly and confidently, like you believe every word.

You think you will mean every word when the time comes.

There'll be a small reception, mostly just for your parents and friends. Some music, some singing from the more raucous members of the glee club. You imagine that Kurt will cry when he hugs you and Mr. Schuster will be excited for you both, even if he looks a bit worried at how young you are.

You'll dance with Finn for the first time as his wife, and your head will rest on his chest. You'll try to close your eyes, but maybe you won't be able to. Maybe you'll stop at the sight of Quinn getting shakily to her feet from her wheelchair—the doctors were right, after all, about her being able to regain the use of her legs after physical therapy.

She'll lean on Santana for support—or maybe Sam or Brittany—and then she'll sway instead of dance and grin when you look at her and you'll feel that warmth she ignites under your skin when she does.

You imagine that you'll be so busy figuring out how to be married and packing that you won't see her again before you leave.

Finn will come with you to NYADA. You'll find a shoebox apartment because it's all you can afford, but you think maybe you'll be happy there. He'll find a job and you'll go to classes and the two of you will be glad to be together.

But then classes will be difficult. They'll get harder and you'll be stressed.

Finn will get a second job because your rent is so steep and he'll give you the cold shoulder during the short times you get a chance to see him during the day. You'll play with your wedding band on the subway and, more often than not, you'll slip it into your pocket because it'll feel so heavy.

Thanksgiving will come and the flight home will be silent. Dinner will be held at your house, but his parents and Kurt will be there too because they're technically family now.

It'll be then that you'll realize how long-term your relationship with him is. You'll feel like you're suffocating, or drowning, maybe. Either way, you won't be able to get enough air.

You'll offer to go to Wal-Mart for your dads when they realize they forgot to buy yams. You'll shrug Finn off when he says he'll come with you.

You'll find the yams in five minutes flat, but you'll walk around the store for another half an hour anyway because you don't want to go home and suffocate some more.

It's when you're halfway down the bread aisle that you'll see her—a familiar head of blond hair, messily falling around a scarf that's hanging loosely on her shoulders.

You'll say her name, quietly, in the form of a question. She'll look at you and momentarily blind you with her smile.

You'll stand there with her for a few minutes exchanging small talk—very small talk—and then you'll dismiss yourself and cry in the car on the way home because you've realized, for the first time, how different you've become.

You expect things will get harder after Thanksgiving, with Finn taking on more hours at his job and you preparing for the end of the semester.

On the nights when you both happen to be home at the same time, there'll be fights—loud, angry ones. Neither of you will apologize, not ever. You'll pretend they never happen.

Finn will start fucking you with less eagerness than he used to. He'll do it like he's fulfilling an obligation or duty. He'll roll off of you when he's finished and promptly go to sleep.

On the nights this happens, you'll drag yourself quietly out of bed and to the bathroom, where you'll sit on the edge of the bathtub and cry until you can't keep your eyes open anymore.

You'll miss your period in February and buy a pregnancy test from the drug store down the street on your way home after class. He's still at work when you take it and you try to feel excited and not angry or heartbroken when you see the result.

You'll tell him the news when he gets home, but he won't be excited. Instead he'll seems angry, panicked—terrified of having another person to look after. He'll storm off to bed and leave you crying in the kitchen.

You won't sleep that night. Instead, you'll contemplate calling your fathers to tell them, but ultimately decide not to. You won't want to hear the disappointment in their voices.

You'll fight yourself for the majority of the night, but give in and call Quinn around midnight. When she answers, her voice will groggily say, "Rachel?" and that's all it will take for you to start crying again. She'll ask what's wrong, but it will be half an hour before you stop crying enough to tell her.

She'll say, "Oh," and then she'll get really quiet for a while. And then, "You're going to be a great mom, Rach. Why are you so sad?"

You'll want to say that it's because you're not even sure who it is you're married to anymore. You'll want to say how young you are, how unfair it is. The words will tangle in your throat when you remember her situation though, and then you'll say, "I don't know," because at least you're married and not sixteen like she'd been.

She'll say, "Okay," and you'll say, "Goodbye."

Around the time you start showing, Finn will stop coming home at the end of his shifts. Your calls and text messages will go unanswered and he'll come home hours late, smelling of unfamiliar perfume.

Your fights will come more often. He'll scream about how much work he's doing to support you and you'll cry and yell that this is difficult for you too.

Sometimes he'll bring up how he'd given up his dreams for you just to stun you into silence.

"It wasn't like that at all," you'll tell him.

Then he'll bring up Quinn, about how she'd fooled him into the role of a father all those years ago.

"How do I know it's even mine, huh?" he'll ask. "How do I know you're not off fucking one of the boys from your dance class?"

Your vision will go red and you'll shove him backwards with your hands heavy on his chest, saying how _dare _he.

He'll leave then—without his coat, without anything. You won't see him again until the next morning.

You'll look through his phone while he's gone, curious if the perfume belongs to someone he's been contacting.

You'll think that it must because most of his text messages are from a girl named, "Sarah."

The majority of the messages from her are ones telling him to "come over, baby."

Your stomach will turn over and you'll have to run to the bathroom to throw up.

In one of your dance classes a week later, you'll fall over because your stomach will hurt _so much_. Someone will call an ambulance but you'll know by the blood soaking through your tights what's wrong before it even arrives.

The hospital will confirm your miscarriage.

Finn will arrive, having left work when you called, and he'll stand in your hospital room, not looking the least bit devastated.

He won't touch you and he won't say, "Good," or anything like it, but he _will _say, "It's okay," and, of course, it's all in his tone.

You'll cry nonstop for four days and you'll refuse to go to your classes. Finn will occasionally say something in an attempt to console you, but it won't matter.

On more than one occasion, you'll want to call Quinn and tell her, but you won't. Instead, you'll stare at her name in your phone and wonder what you did to deserve this. What your child did to deserve this.

Finn will tell you about Sarah a few weeks later.

"I've been sleeping with her since March," he'll say and you won't even pretend to be surprised.

He'll leave you in May, packing his things while you're in one of your exams. You'll come back and he won't even say goodbye when he drags his suitcase out into the hall.

His wedding band will lie on the kitchen table for weeks after that and you'll watch him from the window until you can't see him anymore.

Alone.

Devastated.

Shattered.

.

A future with Quinn isn't something you ever considered wanting. But she might die and you don't think you've ever been so heartbroken and you think, if you let yourself, you can see it.

You can see sitting by her hospital bed every day until she wakes up, holding her hand every chance you get.

She'll wake up a few days after her major surgeries are finished and ask you, groggily, "Did you get married?"

You'll laugh through your tears and Judy will too, hugging you from the side. You'll press a kiss to the part of her face that isn't bandaged and say, "No, Quinn. I didn't get married."

You'll visit her after school every day and you'll be there when she gets released, letting her squeeze your hand in the car because she's trying not to cry.

On the day she returns to school, you'll walk her to every class even when she says you don't need to.

"Yeah, I do," you'll say and she'll agree because you think she knows you won't be giving up.

You'll go with her to physical therapy every chance you get, because you know that it helps Judy to have someone else there. You'll learn the stretches that Quinn has to do every day and she'll blush when you slide your hands up her thigh to raise it.

"What?" you'll ask. "Am I hurting you?"

She'll say, "Absolutely not," but her face will keep a pinkish-hue the rest of the evening.

You'll be there when she regains some feeling below the waist and you'll cry and hold each other and Judy will hug you both.

She'll start standing for short periods of time in physical therapy two weeks later.

At some point, Finn will ask you why he never sees you. He'll show up at your doorstep and complain for the better part of an hour in your bedroom. You'll listen to him whine and wonder why you ever thought you could spend the rest of your life with him.

He'll leave with your engagement ring in his hand a few minutes later.

Quinn will be sympathetic, but you'll see the relief in her eyes when you first tell her.

Tim, her physical therapist, will ask you to help her walk a few days later.

Your hands will find her hips and Quinn will blush and she won't meet your eyes. Her arms will shake a little as she suspends her self on the bars on either side of her.

"You can do this," you'll tell her and she'll smile.

She'll take ten total steps that day. It will be a miracle and Judy will cry some more.

Over spring break, you'll meet Quinn's sister, Frannie, and her husband, Thomas, when Quinn invites you over for dinner.

"So, you're Rachel?" she'll say and she'll make a face that you've seen Quinn make countless times. "Quinn never stops talking about you."

Your stomach will drop, but you won't stop smiling the whole night.

When senior prom comes around, you'll decide you don't want to go despite Kurt's urgent pleas. You'll tell him that you have no one to go with and, you won't know it then, but Quinn will overhear from her locker just a few down from yours.

She'll ask you to prom after glee club that day. You'll be speechless even though she'll add, "as friends," after.

You'll meet her there, in the choir room, and she'll look stunning. She'll win prom queen without running and Finn will win prom king, but she'll refuse to dance with him, finding your eyes in the crowd instead.

You'll help her to her feet, shakily, while Santana and Brittany sing, "Take My Breath Away," and it'll be more swaying than dancing, but your heart will just about pound out of your chest anyway.

The rest of your senior year will rush by with a win at nationals and graduation. Quinn will be walking by then—with a cane, but _walking_—and you'll help each other pack.

You'll cry when you leave for school because Quinn will hug you so hard you can't breathe.

You'll call her when you get settled in and Skype her when your dads leave. Your roommate will be terrible, but you'll manage until Kurt arrives.

Which he will, eventually, with a plan and a studio apartment. He'll help you move into it with him and you won't cry yourself to sleep every night from there on out.

Quinn will come to visit for the first time in September, looking just as beautiful as you remember her. You'll hug her, hard, and the weekend will go by too fast.

You'll visit each other five more times before Thanksgiving and Quinn, Judy, Frannie, and Thomas will all come over for dinner at your house—your dads having insisted on inviting them.

Dinner will be filling and loud and Quinn will tease you for being vegan as she tears into the turkey, but you'll know she's only kidding.

Sometime during dessert, her hand will find your knee under the table. You'll thread your fingers through hers and she'll smile at you in a way that you've never seen before.

You'll be too busy after that—the both of you—to visit before the semester is over, which is fine because it's only a couple of weeks.

On the day you return home for holiday break, she'll arrive at your doorstep with a stack of movies and a large, fluffy blanket tucked under her arm. You'll spend the rest of the day as a pile of limbs on your couch.

Puck will throw a New Year's party and Quinn will drag you along, forcing you to socialize with people other than her. Too many people will hug you at once and Finn will look at you forlornly more times than you're comfortable with. At midnight, Quinn will kiss you on the cheek and you'll spend the rest of the night wishing her lips had landed a few inches to the left.

It'll be much harder to part when you have to go back to school.

She'll visit for Valentine's Day and you'll watch movies with Kurt all night because all of you are technically single now. Halfway through the second movie, Quinn will grab your hand and you'll hold it the rest of the night.

Kurt will grill you for a month over that. You'll tell him that nothing is going on, but neither of you will believe it.

It'll be in March that it happens. You'll be visiting her for spring break and her roommate will have gone home for the week. After dinner and a walk around the campus, Quinn will pop a few pills with a bottle of water and panic will settle into your chest.

"My back hurts, that's all," she'll tell you, like she expects you to shrug it off.

Your mind will flash back to how she'd looked in her hospital bed, all of the wires and tubes. The casts and cuts. The way you'd felt _numb _when the doctors had said she might never walk again.

She'll be standing by the window, looking down at the tops of trees when you walk up behind her, wrapping your arms around her waist and setting your forehead between her shoulder blades.

She'll say your name quietly, inquisitively—like she's not quite sure what's happening.

You'll be able to hear the sound of crickets outside the open window when you say, "I love you."

She'll tense up then and say, "What?"

So you'll repeat it. You'll turn her around with your hands on her hips, say it again.

Your lips will find her jaw, her cheek, her nose and you'll say it some more.

"I love you, Quinn Fabray."

She'll kiss you then, hesitantly, like she's not sure she's doing the right thing. You'll press up into her, drag her to her bed and pull her on top of you.

You'll make love to her then, slowly and unsurely. You'll kiss every inch of her skin and drag your teeth over places that make her moan. Your fingers will slip into her and she'll bite your lip when she comes.

When she regains her composure, she'll return the favor. Her fingers will find you and she'll fuck you slowly with her head buried in your neck like she simply can't bring herself to look at you because she's wanted this for so long.

She'll fuck you until the two of you are breathing side-by-side on her tiny, twin bed.

"I love you, too, Rachel," she'll say and it will be more than enough.

You'll curl yourself into her side and fall asleep.

Peaceful.

Protected.

Complete.

.

You give Finn your engagement ring back and you sleep in the waiting room with Santana, Brittany, and Quinn's mom.

Your wedding dress is wrinkled when you get the chance to see her the next morning.

Her eyes open, slowly, when you grab her hand. You try not to cry.

"Rachel?" she asks, softly—her voice is rough like sandpaper.

You press your lips to her forehead and sit down beside her.

"I'm here, Quinn. I'm here."

.

_fin_

…


End file.
